Top Ten

Top 10 Things I frequently do as a Parent

Its been a while since one of my Top 10s so I thought I had better get my back side in gear and provide another one for the collection. Interestingly (well for me anyway) this one was written whilst doing one of the things mentioned in my Top 10… I’ll leave you to work out which one but this is my Top 10 things I frequently do as a Parent.

10. Get ill

I’ve written about getting ill on its own before but since having children, its like both of the little monkey’s have somehow sucked out some of my rock solid immune system from me when being born… I NEVER used to get ill, no colds, man flu, crimes I even had tonsillitis the other week! Whether its because they have taken some of my solid immune system from me or the lack of sleep, being constantly on the go or being around these little “minor disease” carriers is up for discussion but what ever it is, I now get ill, far more regularly than pre-parenthood.

 

9. Flush the chain before use

I know us men sometimes have a bad reputation for toilet habits but I find that it is now customary to flush the chain of the toilet before use if H has been in there before me… that and maybe a little wipe of the seat too … #dribble !!

 

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8. Interact with other people’s children

Before anyone gets any wrong idea’s, you don’t need to call the police or worry about me, I have a clean criminal record. Pre fatherhood I would grit a smile through my teeth at “little people” fearing if I interacted too much I could cause the worst case scenario… crying… along with the lack of ability to know how to stop it. Since having children now though I feel its like some kind of responsibility bestowed upon me that I need to interact with any children who take aim on me, whether it be a supermarket, an indoor play centre (as I’m in the soft play whilst their dad is being “manly” outside) or coffee shops. And if they cry, thats fine, I’ll use my comedy to stop them or cover it up with my extensive parent knowledge or diagnosing it with teeth, hungry, nappy or tired symptoms šŸ˜‰

 

7. Jump out of my skin every morning

Now that H is obviously getting older, in a normal bed and “fairly” self sufficient he for some reason feels the need to sneak into our pitch black bedroom every morning and stand within a rats hair of me so I can feel his presence, think its some kind ofĀ burglar and jump out of my skin, practically shitting the bed in the process … only to be informed he needs to go for a pee … knock yourself out son, go to the toilet, you don’t need to tell me every morning and make my crap myself instead!

 

6. Feel thankful for any lie in past 7am

I was never a “sleeper” in my pre-parenthood days and am still a morning person to some extents but where as post 7pm used to be wind down time, all of you will know that once you have kids, this becomes “the only time you can get things done time” and therefore you work like a mule to ensure all jobs are complete prior to going bed and waking up the next day to do it all over again. Sleep does become a little more valuable for re-charging those batteries so any lie in past 7am is now a blessing and we count our lucky stars for every one of them we get.

 

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5. Keep a secret stash of sweets in the car

Yup, I’m not ashamed of it, I ALWAYS keep a secret stash of sweets in my car… for one reason… negotiation! These little terriorists have the ability to pull out a full blown mega strop when you least need it… late for work = mega strop / rushing back for a football match = mega strop. It doesn’t matter what you do to try andĀ talk the little masterminds down, being it play their CD of songs loud, promise them something… Ā the only sure thing to work is something sweet and sugary being placed into their hands right that instant… a sweet from Daddy’s sweet stash.

 

4. Repeat myself…repeat myself

Children are like old people in this respect… selective hearing. Ask them to take their plate out or brush their teeth and its amazing how many times you have to repeat it before the “hear” … Whisper to Mrs F in the front of the car about plans for Christmas or whether we should go to the pub for dinner and their “supersonic” hearing kicks in and they hear every single word you have just said.

 

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3. Share my food

I won’t talk about this one too much as it quite frankly still annoys me now… sharing my food. They have their own plate but still want yours… what is it about children that they don’t understand… nobody touches Jim’s food!?!

 

2. Storage woes

I’m not talking about in our house, although it is an issue being taken over by the amount of toys. A more pressing issue is lack of storage on my phone or tablet. If it isn’t overrun with enough poor taken selfies to last a lifetime, its the amount of “children friendly” apps that are installed on there, ranging from hair cutting apps, to cbeebies to annoyingly annoying children’s albums which I’m sure enjoy taking a good song and making it bad. I spend hours deleting “Good” photo’s or apps in order to just make my phone workable as what its intending for, to call or text. Note: I do somewhat blame Apple for this given there is no way or increasing the storage of their phones.

 

1. Use the toilet as my place of peace

Initially when they are really young you have to accept this isn’t a place of peace as more often than not you take them in there with you so you know they are safe, however now D is getting self sufficient, as long as the stair gates are closed, the cupboard locks are in force in the kitchen and no glass or liquids are around she doesn’t need to be a toilet companion and will quite happily continue to play or explore whilst you take refuse in the toilet and grab 5 minutes to do your duties but also grab a peaceful look at social media, blogs, the internet or even write a post if your lucky. šŸ˜‰

 

Do you do have anything to add to the list or can relate to some? Leave a comment below.

 

Must dash now though as I can’t hear H or D so that means they are up to something…

 

Until next time

Jim x