Well having just returned from ten lovely nights with the family in Gran Canaria, I’ve finally got past the post holiday blues including the “What would be be doing on holiday right now” comparisons as well as the realisation that I now need to lose at least a stone thanks to the benefits of All Inclusive as well as being back at work, I thought I’d jolt down my top ten things to expect when going on holiday abroad with little ones.
As always, they are in no particular order although I have added a bonus point for you (as I’m feeling generous) following some advice I was given prior to travelling.
1. There is always a kid at your holiday resort that is either weird and you have to keep an eye on them at all times when near your children or just quite frankly they are such peevish little shits that you want to give them a taste of their own medicine or give them 10 seconds under water… which would be easy as their parents are NEVER watching.
2. Thinking your holiday will be a chance to relax / have a lie in… WRONG! Be prepared to have to queue in the morning for family sunbeds which overlooks the baby pool… and for the regulars who think that the first row opposite the main pool belong to them or the “Posh and Becks” lookalikes who have to be in everyones eye line with his ripped body and her fake boobs… #WhoNeedsPerfection. Not having a sun bed close to the kids pool is going to literally make your day hell so suck it up and set that alarm clock!
3. With young children, even in a different country, meal times are still incredibly rushed and painful, and spent trying not to let your youngest throw what food they don’t want off their plates in public. The only difference is both kids now have an excuse to get out of their chairs every 2.3 seconds thanks to all inclusive…
4. It doesn’t matter how “macho” you think you are, it’s ok to feel intimidated by 3 sales women chasing you down the promenade trying to force you to have a “quick look” at their hair braids for sale…. I have 1 inch long hair, WTAF! … Although I do run faster than Usain Bolt when they approach though so maybe it’s ‘code’ for something else…
5. People are amazed at Cats in another country, yes the four legged animals which poo in your front and back gardens back at home… People even enjoy taking photos of them… personally I’m shocked there so many smelly cats and again, choose to make a wide birth around the vicious looking fuckers!
6. If you buy anything (particularly form the “lucky lucky” men), be prepared for it to break, infact break it yourself once you’ve finished haggling with them if you want to soften the blow upfront and save you having to go back and haggle for another one to appease your children. p.s. Although toys which you think are fantastic in the open spaces overseas, back in the UK, you will have no chance of using it or it will be lost within seconds…
7. Too much information but going to the toilet in another country you’ll fall into two categories, ‘loose’ or ‘blocked’, there’s no inbetween… oh other than it being a sweaty and unpleasant experience and the toilet paper… it’s like being back in school.
8. It doesn’t matter the age of your family… ALL of you will suffer the post holiday blues. H cried his eyes out at leaving his friends and I don’t think D has talked to me since she realised she was no longer enjoying unlimited pool time or food on demand… Mrs F meanwhile is pushing weight loss on me like a personal trainer and I’m ready to stab my eyes with forks at having to return to work and contemplating using a whole months salary to buy lottery tickets in the hope we win and never have to work again…
9. Its not all bad news…Kids are massively resilient, and although we had a nightmare flight home (which when booked convinced ourselves it would be a piece of cake) in the middle of the night as well as both children enjoying post 10pm sleep times every night, both have instantly settled back into their 7pm-7am sleep routines.. winner!
10. The beach is still crap despite having kids… Infact it seems our kids might hate the beach more than us, sand in shoes, cold sea water, salty taste and once you get wet the sand will get everywhere and become impossible to clean off until you get off the damn thing…! Don’t waste energy walking to it for 20 minutes of hell and returning back to the hotel, with no sunbeds, as you gave them up to go spend the day on the beach.
11. Whoever tells you to take lots of activities for your children to do on the plane as it’ll keep them busy is either (a) lying (b) travelling upper class and therefore has bags of room or (c) has older children. Its all about surviving in my honest opinion, whether thats feeding them sugar coated sweets, getting them tired so the “hopefully” sleep or being “that” parent walking up and down the aisle saying “Hello” for the millionth time.
Good luck if you are travelling somewhere soon and have a fantastic time!
Until next time