I’ve been a little quiet on both the blog and social media over the last three weeks, not intentionally, I’ve been working away. My daytime job is for a professional services firm working as an auditor/risk manger which means that I work on behalf of my employer for other firms, albeit short term. I can be with a client from anything from a few days up to several weeks but during my three years working at my employer, I’ve carved myself a little niche and as a result became a specialist in a particular area. The result of this means that more and more, I’m finding myself staying away from home due to the distance and public transport options available…. the problem is when I’m away, I suffer with anxiety.
The first thing to say is I do enjoy my job, I am really proud of the fact that in such a competitive work environment that I’m in, and it is really competitive, I’ve managed to create a demand for my services, not only in a different area to my banking experience (of which I was originally employed for) but in an area I really find interesting. It wasn’t always that way, but over the past 12 months, I’ve really settled in.
Staying away to some is their idea of awesome… stopping in “mainly” 4/5 star hotels, having no home chores / parenting duties to do, enjoying work ‘expensible’ (is that even a word) 3 course meals every night, and some beers too, as well a enjoying very short commute times so freeing up more times in the evening as well. The truth is, I struggle, real bad with stopping away.
I miss my family sure, but I worry about them more and that’s what I struggle to manage. It’s not that Mrs F and the children can’t cope, they can. It’s not that Mrs F makes me feel any kind of guilt for being away, she doesn’t. Okay the kids probably do but thats just them being young and missing their Daddy being away. I worry so much, and I know its the pressure that I put on myself but it’s such a difficult thing to stop.
Being such a close family unit, having realistically one other member of our family to help out, Mrs F’s dad, I’ve spoken before how school runs, managing the children whereabouts when we are at work is a military operation but when I’m away, I feel that compounded ten fold. I also throw in Mrs F’s Fibromyalgia into the mix which I worry she’ll be struggling with whilst trying to operate as a single parent. Things like, bedtime routines, school lunch boxes, cooking family meals must all be taking their toll, whilst I’m lying in a hotel room, doing nothing, leaves me feeling both huge guilt, helplessness and worry.
Facetime, What’s App, phone calls and the IP cameras we have at home means I can keep as connected as I can which helps but even then, I worry I’m interfering with the structure which needs to happen each night.
Fortunately I don’t tend to work away for long periods of time at once and maybe I’m feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment as I’ve been away for three weeks straight with the prospect of some more to come in the next couple of weeks.
Whatever it is, I do need to probably look for some kind of methods to help manage my anxiety but for now at least, for a whole 5 days, I’m home, home with my family, home where I feel best and home where I can be the hands on Dad, husband and person I love to be.
Until next time